In the beautiful mess of sex, sexuality, gender and identity, the boundaries have become delightfully blurred. As more people are confidently and comfortably identifying as male, female, non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid or anything that resonates with them, worlds and mindsets are expanding.
So, what does this look like in the bedroom? Well, it depends where you’re looking. The closet tells a different story to the bed. Then there’s the floor, the mirror, the underwear drawer, the bedside table… every spot tells a different story.
So, what’s actually changed?
The way we understand and discuss gender and sex has. Dramatically. It's no longer just about biology or internalidentity; for many, gender is now about performance and presentation. And with that, sexuality – who we desire – becomes less about who we "are" and more about how we engage with identity and aesthetics. This shift is reflected in the rise of terms like "genderfuck" or "demisexual," which go beyond biology and lean into the complexity of attraction and identity.
Sexuality is no longer defined solely by genitalia or biological sex. It's a mix of desires, preferences and experiences. The boundaries between heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and other sexual orientations are also becoming more blurred, and many people are embracing their unique sexual identities. This is where labels can become restrictive or freeing.
The Commodification of Identity
This is where things get murky. Media plays a powerful role in granting permission for self-exploration, fostering visibility and acceptance. But it also fuels the commodification of identity, with brands capitalising on the blending of sex, sexuality and gender identity. (I’m looking at you Pride celebrators and sponsors who are throwing lavish parades but are nowhere to be seen when rights are being violated, and do nothing else to support queer communities…)
Anyway, the tension between authentic expression and marketable trends raises important questions: Is identity something to be sold? What happens when self-expression gets filtered through capitalism?
And then we’re finally left asking how we can really make our identity our own? Something not to be taken from us, remixed and sold back to us? How do we connect with the core of who we are and how we want to show up in the world?
We get to one of the things consumerism can’t fully own: pleasure. The answer is almost always pleasure.
Pleasure as the Purest Form of Self-Expression
Pleasure is unique because while it is initially shaped by everything - parents, religion, gender, media, friends - at its core, it belongs only to us. It’s the most intimate, personal aspect of our lives, existing beyond external expectations (except, of course, when shared with others).
Pleasure can be the ultimate rebellion, a refusal to conform to what we’ve been told we should want, how we should feel or who we should be. It’s a space where we can shed performative identities and simply exist; as ourselves, for ourselves. Unless, of course, performance is what turns you on or makes you feel safe. In that case, pleasure isn’t rebellion; it’s self-definition, an amplified expression of who we are and what we desire.
For some, pleasure is freedom from gender altogether - a limitless, neutral landscape where sensation is the only guide. For others, it’s an affirmation, a way to embrace and embody their gender more deeply. Neither is more valid than the other. Pleasure doesn’t have to dismantle identity; it can clarify it.
When we let go of rigid ideas about what pleasure should look like, we allow it to be what it truly is… a deeply personal, evolving force. Whether it transcends gender or embraces it, whether it’s quiet or wild, private or shared, pleasure is, at its essence, the freedom to be and to feel.
Tools (or Toys) for Exploration
Our relationship with pleasure tools can be just as deeply personal and transformative. Toys can serve as extensions of our identities and desires, helping us connect with our bodies in ways that feel authentic and affirming.
Gender affirmation through pleasure
Pleasure tools can be powerful instruments for gender affirmation, allowing us to connect with our bodies in ways that feel closer to who we are or who we're trying to be. For example, a trans woman may use a vibrator to explore her new genitalia, discovering new sensations and pleasures that feel aligned with her gender identity. Or a cis-man who feels intimidated by strokers might feel more comfortable with a toy that doesn't need to be penetrated.
The Obsidian wand brings powerful, flexible stimulation that works wherever your body enjoys sensation. All it needs are body parts with nerve endings... and we all have those.
Our recommendation? Hold it against your pelvic area and grind against it.
Overcoming gender dysphoria
Some people experience gender dysphoria, a discomfort caused by a disconnect between their gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. Pleasure can help bridge this gap by allowing people to interact with their body in ways that feel congruent with their gender identity. For example, the act of receiving a blow job - whether for a physical penis or a strap on - can be a deeply masculine act.
Exploring gender roles and expression
Pleasure tools can also be used to explore different gender roles and expressions, allowing people to tap into their creativity and imagination. Imagine, for instance, a pair of nipple clamps to explore a more feminine or androgynous side. The possibilities are endless, and the act of play itself can be a powerful form of gender expression.
Genderfluidity and flexibility
For those who identify as genderfluid or non-binary, pleasure tools can be versatile companions that adapt to shifting gender expressions. They can choose items that are gender-neutral or that align with their gender identity on any given day.
Education and communication
Toys can also serve as educational instruments to learn about one's body and desires, which can improve communication with partners about personal needs and boundaries related to gender identity.
Whether you're exploring the soft contours of your form or embracing the boldness of masculinity, femininity or androgyny, toys are tools for self-expression. More than just sources of pleasure, they can be allies in your journey toward self-discovery and acceptance.
How to Create and Curate a Space to Explore, Alone and With Others
Creating a space for sexual exploration is both an art and a science. It requires a blend of comfort, privacy and inspiration. Here are some tips to help you curate such a space:
Ambiance is key Set the mood with soft lighting, music and comfortable surroundings.
Sexy tip: ELLA, the app-controlled egg vibrator from SVAKOM can sync its vibrations with your favourite tracks.
Comfort is crucial Invest in plush pillows, soft throws and a comfortable surface to lie on. A soft and light blanket might help too.
Tools and accessories Have a selection of items within reach that cater to your preferences. I’m talking about quality lubricant, water to hydrate, toys, mirrors… whatever you might need.
Privacy is paramount Ensure that your space is private and secure.
Education is empowerment Educate yourself about different techniques, positions and aspects of sexual wellness.
Reflection and mindfulness Take time to reflect on your experiences and practice mindfulness to stay present and connected to your body. You don’t need permission to use toys or wear clothes that are traditionally labeled for a specific gender. We love a little rule-breaking! To us, labels are just guardrails; there to guide you, be climbed over or ignored entirely.
Whether alone or with others, the pursuit of pleasure can be revolutionary – a declaration that our bodies and identities belong to us alone. In this way, pleasure becomes not just an end in itself but a means of liberation, self-knowledge and radical acceptance of our whole, complex selves.